Intention Deficit Disorder 

I have Intention Deficit Disorder.

I began 2017 with the best intentions.

Prior to the close of 2016, as usual, I cleaned the house from top to bottom. I ensured that all Christmas things were put away. I bought collard greens and black-eyed peas to eat on January 1st (it’s a southern thing, I think).

In the days before December 31st, I thought long and hard about my intentions for 2017. I made a list of things I hoped to manifest in the coming year, which I keep in a special place. This list includes the following: walk every day, meditate for 15 minutes a day, pay off all credit cards and loans (excluding the mortgage), switch to non-toxic cleaners, and other similar items.

I felt a huge sense of excitement going into the New Year because so many things were coming together. I met so many amazing people in recent months, and these new connections had led to me being invited to read tarot in not one, but two amazing shops in Tallahassee. I made some awesome new friends and found a tribe of people who shared my interests and support my spiritual journey. Furthermore, all this positivity was coming on the heels of a tremendous spiritual awakening I experienced after going through some incredibly rough times (you can read about my experience with the Tower card here – oh goodie!)

I welcomed the New Year with friends, beer, and nachos, and even managed to get home by 11:00 p.m. to celebrate at midnight with my husband, Trent (with no kids in the house, either!) Things were looking swell and promising.

By January 2nd I could tell that something was wrong. Something just didn’t fit. For one thing, I had the concentration of a toddler. I couldn’t seem to get anything done. My creativity felt zapped and I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning. The days were slipping by without a single thing on the list being addressed. The fucking daylight just seemed to slip through my fingers like sand. Even my daily walks at work – which have been an integral part of my work routine for years – did not happen. My working hours passed right by with my ass glued to the chair at my desk – and I did not even leave my desk to take a lunch break. I sat through it eating raw almonds and drinking kefir while I worked.

At home with my creative pursuits, I didn’t write a thing. I couldn’t think of a thing I wanted to write. I didn’t roll out of bed earlier and walk on the treadmill, but immediately went on my phone to peruse social media while my brain woke up. I managed a measly two minutes of meditation in the morning before drawing my daily tarot cards. All the materials for my projects sat on the shelf, untouched.

It’s not that I didn’t think about doing all of these things. My head swam with ideas and inspiration. At work I fantasized about taking a vacation where I didn’t go anywhere – just did all the things I want to do. (This is on the heels of a two week vacation from work.) All I wanted to do was get to the things on my list, yet I lacked the drive to put one foot in that direction. I simply couldn’t decide what to do first, let alone make it happen.

My head was literally in the clouds. I had all these options and choices, and I spent a good deal of my time thinking about them. I was paralyzed by my choices. That is when it hits me – I am the figure in the Seven of Cups. It was indeed the excitement and anticipation of all the things I wanted to accomplish that was holding me back.

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For those of you who are beginning to read tarot, I must say that you learn the cards best by experiencing them. It is only when you are in the throes of infatuation that you fully recognize the Two of Cups. It is when you recognize that you are in a toxic relationship, yet you can’t find the strength to leave, that you experience the Devil. There is truly no better teacher of tarot than life itself.

As a budding astrologer, I wonder what a seasoned astrologer would say if I told them that exactly eight years ago I was experiencing the Seven of Cups just as strongly, although my wild imagination and impractical dreaming were of a different nature. Could there in fact be a cyclical pattern to these experiences?

I am on the cusp of breaking out of this haze. The other night was a full moon, and I revisited my list of intentions and longed for the energy I need to get me moving in the right direction. I believe I just am beginning to feel it now as my fingers fly across the keyboard – and I welcome it. I have it on my schedule to make natural cleaning products this Saturday and share them with my friends. I’m getting back to myself again.

However, I also am learning to recognize that life has its ebbs and flows. Perhaps it’s okay not to be so productive all the time. I had a discussion with a dear friend of mine who is a health coach about this very topic over lunch this week (if you need to make changes in your life to benefit your health, do visit www.heatherdiamondhealth.com for an amazing jump start). We are both Geminis with incredibly active minds, and oddly enough, we both experiencing exactly the same feelings in the recent weeks, and it is not something we are accustomed to experiencing. We both agreed that though it feels frustrating, it’s natural, and we need to learn to embrace this side of life of strongly as we cling to our desire to be superwomen and do it all.

That said, perhaps I will just stay here a little longer with my head in the clouds… or maybe I’ll actually wake up tomorrow and get back on the treadmill of life. Either way, I’ll make 2017 my bitch…eventually.

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